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Well it’s that time of year again
For peace on Earth, goodwill toward men
And pleasant tidings spread across the land
You might think since she threw me out
There’s not much to be glad about
But I’ve got quite a celebration planned
CHORUS:
Cause it’s gonna be a full-bore, rip-roarin', hardcore honky-tonk Christmas
Yeah I’m gonna have a full-bore, rip-roarin', hardcore honky-tonk time
WelI I’ll celebrate the savior's birth
At my favorite place on earth
Where the beer is cold, and the jukebox still plays three songs for a dime
Yes it's gonna be a full-bore, rip-roarin', hardcore honky-tonk Christmas
Filled with full-bore, rip-roarin' hardcore honky-tonk cheer
I can’t think of a more fitting way
Than a hardcore honky-tonk Christmas day
To end a full-bore, rip-roarin', hardcore honky-tonk year
Well it was just a year ago
She told me that she love me so
And don’t you know that I believed she did
Now I know that things have changed because
Her new man’s dressed as Santa Claus
And he's the one with presents for the kids
The day that she asked me to leave
Was right before last New Year’s Eve
And since then this honky-tonks been home to me
It’s owned by my friend Billy Ray
And I know it’s closed on Christmas day
But I bet that if I asked him, he’d lend me an extra key
So I can have myself . . .
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2. |
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Well I still can’t get over what happened
Last December 24th
We knew that Santa would be making his rounds
On his trek from the Great White North
Well our fireplace is down in the family room
Near the bar and the plasma screen
So we laid out milk and cookies on the foosball table
Over by the Xbox machine
But when we came down the next morning
The room was a great big mess
Looked like someone had a Christmas party
But we weren’t invited I guess
Oh but over by the foosball table
The cookies and milk were still there
But the door to the bar was open
And the cabinet inside was bare
Well someone drank all of our Cuervo
And all of our Tanqueray
The Pisang Ambon
It was totally gone
And so was the Grand Marnier
The double malt scotch was missing
So was the whiskey jar
It didn’t take a sleuth
To determine the truth
Santa drank the whole damn bar
Well we all gathered round the table
But we didn’t know what to do
We usually have a little eggnog
But it seems that was missing too
But everyone’s presents were under the tree
All wrapped up with nice red bows
Santa must have used his designated driver
The one with the bright red nose
But someone drank all the Drambuie
And all the Kahlua too
There was no Grey Goose
No Chartreuse
And not a drop of Tullamore Dew
Now everybody likes a little Christmas cheer
But I think this was going too far
There was wine on the shelf
He could’ve helped himself
But Santa drank the whole damn bar
Then we heard a noise from the guest room
And it turns out what do you know
Our son was back early from college
With a bunch of his buddies in tow
Then he muttered something underneath his breath
It wasn’t quite clear to whom
He said “I hope you don’t mind we had a party last night
Down in the family room”
Well someone drank all the Sambuca
And all of the Hennessy
All the Korbel
Was gone as well
And so was the Wild Turkey
Those kids can sure hold their liquor
Even so it was pretty bizarre
Should’ve known all along
That we had it all wrong
To think that Santa drank the whole damn bar
Cause Santa didn’t drink the whole damn bar
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3. |
Leonard Cohen Christmas
04:11
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Tomorrow is the Yuletide, but I’m not feeling jolly
I think I’m gonna stay inside and wallow in my melancholy
Put on some music guaranteed to keep the teardrops flowing
I’m spending Christmas Eve with Leonard Cohen
I’m stocking up on vodka, sleeping pills and Pepto-Bismol
I’m drinking to The Future, though The Future is so dark and dismal
It’s pretty much the saddest sound the world has ever known
Yes I’m spending Christmas Eve with Leonard Cohen
Well Neil Young can bring you down and Joni Mitchell’s blue
But when you’ve hit rock bottom, just one folksinger will do
When I put on that Famous Blue Raincoat, I wanna slit my wrists yes
It’s gonna be a Leonard Cohen Christmas
Of course there’s Hallelujah, you all know that one I guess
But that’s really for the amateurs, not the clinically depressed
But Last Year’s Man and Avalanche, they always get me going
When I’m spending Christmas Eve with Leonard Cohen
Well, I can hear the carolers outside my bedroom walls
The old familiar chestnuts, Jingle Bells and Deck the Halls
But no one-horse sleigh or Mel Tormé will ever make my wish list
When I’m having me a Leonard Cohen Christmas
So First We Take Manhattan, then it’s So Long Marianne
The Dress Rehearsal Rag and then the second side of I’m Your Man
The festive lights are everywhere and Rudolph’s nose is glowing
But I’m spending Christmas Eve with Leonard Cohen
The Poet Laureate for all the lonesome and the listless
It’s gonna be a Leonard Cohen Christmas
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4. |
Christmas In Bethlehem
03:54
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I was driving through the Lehigh Valley, headed north
To spend Christmas Eve in Scranton with my son and his new wife
Windshield wipers brushed the wet snow back and forth
But the fog it was so thick that you could cut it with a knife
And to be completely candid
I did not mind being stranded
I was tired and lately I’ve been pretty stressed
Spotted a familiar sign
Over near the Jersey line
Figured I could really use the rest
So I’m spending the holiday in
The Holiday Inn
And the Pennsylvania air is damp and cold
I’m 62 and here I am
It’s Christmas Day in Bethlehem
Nazareth is right on up the road
Once the nation’s bridges, ships and skyscrapers
Were fashioned out of steel that bears this city’s name
Till one day they gave everyone their walking papers
The plant is a casino now, with slots and table games
And people come from far and near
About a million every year
To lay their money down or pull the lever
And as I sit here and stretch my legs
And contemplate my powdered eggs
I’m thinking ‘bout how nothing lasts forever
I’m spending the holiday in
The Holiday Inn
The Gideon in the drawer is worn and old
No manger here and no wise men
Just Christmas day in Bethlehem
Nazareth is right on up the road
My granddad worked the furnace till his heart attack
But I had not been back here since I was a little kid
Now it stands near the pavilion as an artifact
A testament to all the things his generation did
The Hoover Dam, the Golden Gate
Drilling rigs and railroad freights
Barges on the Continental Shelf
This city’s coming back they say
I just might stay another day
Feels like I’m on the comeback trail myself
Spending the holiday in
The Holiday Inn
Lord thank you for the blessings you’ve bestowed
On each and every poor pilgrim
Who’s found their way to Bethlehem
And Nazareth is right on up the road
I’m spending the holiday in
The Holiday Inn
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5. |
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Well everybody’s got their favorite Christmas song
The one with which they always want to sing along
But no matter what your favorite is, well I’ve got news for you
Your favorite Christmas song was probably written by a Jew
We may as well begin
With Mr. Irving Berlin
He wrote the most recorded Christmas song there’s ever been
When his family fled the shtetl
On the Lower East Side they settled
But he wanted to assimilate and so
He dreamed of hearing sleigh bells in the snow
Now Johnny Marks you may not be familiar with
But he truly was a legend as a lyric-smith
Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer, Holly Jolly Christmas too
I bet you didn’t know that those were written by a Jew
And there are many more as well
Like Sleigh Ride and Silver Bells
When Sammy Cahn wrote Let It Snow, it surely made his parents kvell
And a staple of each Christmas day’s
The Christmas Song by Mel Tormé
The man they used to call the Velvet Fog
He spent a lotta time in synagogue
Phil Spector wrote that song performed by Darlene Love
That each Christmas fans of Letterman were so fond of
And though he's now in prison for committing homicide
That doesn’t change the fact that he’s a member of the tribe
Then there’s Winter Wonderland
I’ll Be Home for Christmas and
Let's still count Baby, It's Cold Outside though largely that's been banned
It’s The Most Wonderful Time of Year
And Do You Hear What I Hear
Even You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch
That melody was written by a mensch
And so today is Christmas, so the Bible sayeth
But let’s praise those composers of the Jewish faith
And I think it's only fitting because Jesus was one too
That your favorite Christmas song was probably written
By a Jew
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6. |
Santa & Elvis
03:11
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Had a whole lot of Holiday shopping to do
Spent six hours at the mall off of Route 82
Finally sat down by the fountain for to take a little rest
Between the courtyard on the east wing and the courtyard on the west
On either side was a crowd gathered round a big guy
Each one vying for the interest of all the passersby
One was dressed in red and behind him was a sleigh
The other wore a jacket that was made of gold lamé
It was Santa and Elvis, Elvis and Santa
Same old story everywhere, from Akron to Atlanta
They say one’s passed away and one’s not real at all
But I saw them both Saturday down at the mall
One had long black sideburns, the other had a beard
One bellowed “ho-ho-ho” while the other one sneered
One came from the North Pole where Beluga whales dwell
The other one was staying at the Heartbreak Hotel
They were Santa and Elvis, Elvis and Santa
Same old story everywhere, from Soho to Savanah
They say one’s passed away and one’s not real at all
But I saw them both Saturday down at the mall
There was a time when Elvis nearly was as fat as Santa
Too many sandwiches of peanut butter and banana
But nowadays that Nudie suit, it fits him like a glove
Lookout ladies cause he’s just a hunka-hunka burning love
And when the day was finished Santa loaded up his sack
Out in the parking lot was a pink Cadillac
And as Elvis rode away Santa said one thing
“Merry Christmas to all and long live the King”
They were Santa and Elvis, Elvis and Santa
Same old story everywhere, from Memphis to Montana
They say one’s passed away and one’s not real at all
But I saw them both Saturday down at the mall
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7. |
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You better watch out
You better not roam
Even on the North Pole
They’re required to stay home
So Santa Claus ain’t comin' to town
His workshop’s shut down
They’ve grounded his sleigh
The elves have been told
To keep six feet away
So Santa Claus ain’t comin' to town
We know that he’s essential
There’s no denying that
But he’s clearly in a high risk group
Cause he’s old and really fat
Oh you better watch out
You better stay in
It’s the most bizarre Christmas
There ever has been
And Santa Claus ain’t comin' to town
He still sees us when we’re sleeping
He still knows when we’re awake
He still knows if we’ve been bad or good
He’s got Zoom for goodness sake
But the parties are cancelled
The Yankee Swaps too
And as much as I hate
To have to break it to you
Santa Claus ain’t comin' to town
He’s in lockdown
So Santa Claus ain’t comin' to town
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8. |
Watching Rudolph
04:17
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The first time that I saw it I was five or six I guess
My parents let me stay up when it aired on CBS
So we congregated in the den, me and my family
Turned on the black and white and we watched Rudolph on TV
How much I absorbed that first time, now well I don’t really know
But we watched it each December for the next ten years or so
And it wasn’t long till it was etched into my memory
An annual tradition, watching Rudolph on TV
The stop-action animation, that was something to behold
And songs like There’s Always Tomorrow and Silver and Gold
I had no clue who Burl Ives was but I learned eventually
The first folksinger I ever heard narrated Rudolph on TV
But truth be told the story it was pretty bleak and grim
Yes right from Rudolph’s birth his father was ashamed of him
And just cause he looked different he was teased incessantly
That always made me cry when I watched Rudolph on TV
Meanwhile Hermey was an elf who had to run away because
He’d have rather been a dentist than to work for Santa Claus
And it hurts to be rejected by your own community
A feeling I knew well as I watched Rudolph on TV
Cause growing up I was a shy unhappy awkward kid
I wanted just to fit in but it seems I never did
Ridiculed and ostracized and taunted constantly
But I found some kindred spirits when I watched Rudolph on TV
And of course in the end everything turns out OK
Rudolph and his friends come back home and save the day
And the ones who mocked them offer a contrite apology
And I wished that real life could be like Rudolph on TV
But many years have passed now since I last sat in that den
And I’ve long since made my peace with what tormented me back then
I’ve got three kids of my own and each December naturally
We log on to Hulu and stream Rudolph on TV
And so this one’s for all the sad and lonely girls and boys
Who feel lost and unwanted as if they were misfit toys
I promise things get better, please believe me wait and see
It’s a lesson I learned well from watching Rudolph on TV
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9. |
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Happy holidays, it sure is nice to be with you
You may be kinda dumb but that's OK, cause I am too
But the way that you light up a room, it's very plain to see
That baby you're the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
It's true that I may not possess a sparkling intellect
But nonetheless with happiness my halls are always decked
Lord knows you're no genius either, but all I know is that to me
Baby you're the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
Well in the shed you may not be the sharpest tool
And you're not exactly swimming in the deep end of the pool
But you set my heart a-sizzling with electricity
Cause baby you're the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
Let's stand under the mistletoe and steal a kiss
We'll show all of those revelers how ignorance is bliss
We may not be Mensa members, but we're happy as can be
Cause baby you're the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
So tonight let's just admire the ornaments and candy canes
And not do any thinking that might tend to tax our brains
Still I've gotta say the way your eyes shine incandescently
That baby you're the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
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10. |
New Year's Eve
03:26
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It's New Year's Eve
And the ball hasn't dropped yet
Everything's up in the air
It's New Year's Eve
And my glass is half empty
I've got no champagne to share
Everyone's gone to the party
Everyone's gone to Times Square
Maybe things would've been different
Maybe I should've been there
But it's New Year's Eve
And my hopes for the future
Turn into visions of doom
It's New Year's Eve
Just one minute to midnight
But not a minute too soon
Everyone's gone to the party
Everyone's gone to the moon
Maybe things would've been different
Maybe I should've gone too
But it's New Year's Eve
And the ball hasn't dropped yet
Everything's up in the air
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Mark Stepakoff Boston, Massachusetts
"One of the best songwriters I have ever heard" - Christine Lavin
Singer-songwriter
Mark Stepakoff has been widely admired on the Boston folk and roots music scene for more than 20 years. His songs comprise a mix of humorous and poignant material in a style reminiscent of artists like John Prine or more contemporary songwriters such as Hayes Carll, and have drawn raves locally and nationally.
... more
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